As much as it has put me in a weird mood and overall weird place in my life for a few days, having time to sit down and actually think about things is really valuable. I'm so glad that there has been enough of a lull in activity for a while that I've had a chance to be still and know that God is God. In this stillness, I've been learning a lot.
Most importantly, I think, I've found a contentment. This word has been coming up a lot lately, and when I think about it, there are really very few times that I feel or have felt content in the real sense of the word. Since God has been showing me that I'm missing some things but he's there to fix them and give me everything I'm lacking however, I have had a feeling that can't be described as anything other than contentment. That is unless you want to call it peace, but either way I'm satisfied for no reason other than that I am. I've wrestled with a lot of feelings recently, and I feel like there is still a lot to be dealt with, but I'm facing that in my contentment.
Of course, I know I won't feel content forever. I know that emotions are ridiculous, and this time next week I could be exactly where I was a few days ago, but for now God has given me incredible assurance that whatever happens, he's in it and I am going to be okay.
This process that I'm in the middle of right now can't be described as anything other than putting on the "new self" that is described in Colossians 3:10. I am "being renewed in knowledge after the image of [my] creator" and it's a fantastic feeling. God has been showing me a few more pieces recently of the puzzle that he is, and it's been so fantastic. And Paul told the Colossians a few verses later to "let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts." If that's not a description of contentment, I don't know what is.
I don't have my life any more figured out than I ever have. I'm still scared to death of what the future holds, but the peace of Christ is changing the way I think about all of my uncertainty. I can still be uncertain, and I can still be terrified, but in the midst of all that I can be content!
And to add to the awesomeness of what God is doing in my life, he is letting me know that I'm not alone. He is showing me that other people are scared to death, and they don't have any easier time trusting him than I do.
I feel like all of this has been incredibly vague and philosophical, which is totally not my style, but it's been good for me because I at least have a few of the million thoughts in my head more narrowed down and sorted out. And to risk overkill on the Relient K references:
"To be prosperous would not require much of me. Contentment is the one thing it entails. To be content with where I am and getting where I need to be, and moving past the past where I have failed. But I'm finally catching onto it. The past is just a conduit, and the light there at the end is where I'll be 'cause I'm on the up and up."