It's All Coming Together

This week has been really exciting because I've been developing some relationships to go along with my contentment. I've seen existing friendships growing, and I've even picked up a couple of new friends in really random ways. It's been exciting to see a group of friends developing and finding people to spend time with.

I'm really glad I had some time where I felt so alone because now I value these new friendships so much more. I know how important my friends are, and because I've felt so lonely I know how awesome my time with them is. I hope this weird time in my life will serve to make me a better friend because it taught me a lot about what I am looking for in friendships and things that make me feel valuable. Knowing what makes me feel good will help me know what other people are looking for from their friends.

I don't feel like I've been particularly articulate or that I've gotten out what I wanted to say, but the point is I am still content, but I don't feel so alone anymore. It's a good feeling.

What a Way to Go

Read this.

Being eaten by six caged lions would have to be the crappiest way to die ever. And it sounds a little fishy to me: nothing but a few digits and intestines left, and nobody saw it happen . . .

I think it was the mob.

The Great Green Experiment

Having green hair can now be checked off of my list of things to do before I die. It's a very small streak of my hair that most people probably won't notice, and it's really more blue than green, but as far as I am concerned it fulfills the requirements to check it off the list. I really like it though, and I'm thinking I am going to go back and get some more of it colored because this isn't really very noticeable. We'll see where it goes, but for now it's green!

A Blissful Memorial Day Weekend

Hooray (I can't believe I used that word, but I really can't come up with a better one) for a job that has significant amounts of doing nothing and computer access. One disclaimer: this computer keyboard is sometimes ridiculous, so I apologize for the typos.

I went to my house this weekend for my brother's birthday (he gets the license tomorrow and the world is no longer safe), and I got so much more than good food, cake, and family time--although those things were definitely a part of my fantastic weekend. I got some much-needed time with some people I haven't seen in a while, and it was fantastic.

My social dry-spell was interrupted like crazy on Sunday. After church I went out to eat with Dawn and her family, who I have missed so much since I came to college and had to become an irregular member of Stevens Street. After that, Jill and I went to get coffee and talk--a lot, as usual. While we were at Starbucks, we ran into Josh, so we got to spend some time with him too. We caught up a little, but she is leaving for New Mexico (and her NASA internship!) on Wednesday, and her dad is also moving to a different church. So we will be separated by about 1500 miles, and when we are actually both home we won't even be going to church together anymore. I know that will all be ok though because Jill and I can always pick up where we left off.

After church Sunday night, Jill and I went back to Starbucks, but with Melissa this time. When we got there Tyler was there, and we had some fantastic, purposeless hangout time! And when Starbucks closed and Jill and Melissa went home, I spent the rest of the night (and about two hours of the next morning) hanging out with Josh and Tyler.

Basically all I did on Sunday was go to church and spend time talking to people. It was a fantastic weekend, and I am so glad to have been able to spend time with so many people who I miss so much, including my family. It was also really good to have so much activity for a few days. I remembered what if feels like to have a lot of friends and get to spend time with them face to face.

And even though the weekend is over and I am back to the life of pseudo-solitude, I feel like everything is going to be better. I just needed a weekend to be busy.

And I have an exciting announcement to leave with: I have an appointment at 5:30 tonight to get my hair dyed green! I can't wait to check that off of my list of things to do before I die!

Becoming

noun
1. any process of change
2. to pass from one state to another; to enter into some state or condition, by a change from another state, or by assuming or receiving new properties or qualities, additional matter, or a new character.

It's not like this is news to me, but I feel like my life is just one continual process of finding out that there are things wrong with me and trying to fix them. It's like every time God shows me one new thing and helps me out, we come right along to the next thing and start changing it.

Of course, all this change is a good thing. I am so thankful that God doesn't let me stay the same. For one thing, that would be incredibly boring. And on top of that, as much as I like the person I am, I fully understand that person has flaws (even though I will rarely admit that out loud to another person).

As all the posts I've left over the last week or so will attest, I have been undergoing a lot of change lately and doing a lot of soul searching. This has been incredible, and I'm really excited about everything I've been learning. However, it's been exhausting at times, and I'm nowhere near finished with all that God has to teach me. In particular I am learning that I have a tendency to try to force things I want to happen. God has shown me that I've been pushing for something that I'm not sure yet whether or not he wants for me. In my quest for this thing (and in other similar situations throughout my life) I like to think I'm trusting God to take care of things, but I just get impatient and worry so much about it that I lose all semblance of trust and become desperate. If I were really trusting, I would be waiting for God's next step instead of frantically trying to decide what I need to do.

Now that I've been shown this, I'm in a really odd spot. I have a decision to make because part of me still has trouble believing that I can just sit back and do the things I know I'm supposed to do while God works out the rest. Deep down I know that whatever it is God has planned is so much better than anything my imagination could ever conceive; I just haven't become completely convinced that there is anything better because I don't have the capacity to imagine the incredible magnificence of things yet to come. Because I am human I can't fathom how awesome God is. My concept of God is so constrained to the limits of my human mind that I think I know what the best is, but I have no idea!

So for now, I am attempting to wait for what's in store. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that what I want may or may not happen, but either way what is supposed to happen will. And it's really hard to think like this!

As far as the myriad of changes in my thinking and my relationship with God, they are wearing me out, but I know I am in the process of becoming.

"I am not who I want to be, but I am on the journey there, and thankfully I am not whom I used to be."
-Erwin McManus, Soul Cravings

So Un-Alone in Loneliness

I feel like everything I've posted lately has revolved around the fact that I feel alone so frequently, but this post apparently isn't going to be any different.

I've learned to embrace all the newfound freedom of having time for myself, and since I've started learning so much about myself, I've also been shown that several really important people in my life are experiencing the exact same things. I've talked to a couple of my friends, and it seems that they are in the same spots. We are all getting a chance to take inventory and figure out who we've become over the past year, and these people are vastly different from the people we were.

My friends and I are all significantly less busy, and it seems God is using this time to work on all of us; it's like scheduled maintenance. In some ways it feels like this could be something that we all go through this summer that causes a change in us, but when we get stressed again in the fall it could disappear for the most part. I don't really think that's what is going to happen though. I really feel like this summer God is splitting us all up and giving us all some fantastic one-on-one time to grow in him because when he gets us all together again he has huge plans for us. Our friendships will be so much stronger because they are based on so much more than common interests. God put these people in my life at the right times because he knew what these relationships would become.

One of the coolest things about everything God is doing in my life and showing me right now is that he has rearranged my relationships while keeping me still connected enough to the people he chooses to know that he has us all in the same boat. My relationships with those people are different, and I'm still getting a lot of Kindall-and-God time, but he is definitely letting me know that he set things up this way for all of us because he is going to use us. I don't have any clue where this will all lead, but I know I am growing through all of it.

And for all the people who God has used to let me know he's working in all our lives, thank you for sharing. Thank you for being open to what God has to do in your lives and letting me know about it. I don't think you have any idea how blessed I am to have you as my friends and to share my struggles and my walk with you.

Up and Up

As much as it has put me in a weird mood and overall weird place in my life for a few days, having time to sit down and actually think about things is really valuable. I'm so glad that there has been enough of a lull in activity for a while that I've had a chance to be still and know that God is God. In this stillness, I've been learning a lot.

Most importantly, I think, I've found a contentment. This word has been coming up a lot lately, and when I think about it, there are really very few times that I feel or have felt content in the real sense of the word. Since God has been showing me that I'm missing some things but he's there to fix them and give me everything I'm lacking however, I have had a feeling that can't be described as anything other than contentment. That is unless you want to call it peace, but either way I'm satisfied for no reason other than that I am. I've wrestled with a lot of feelings recently, and I feel like there is still a lot to be dealt with, but I'm facing that in my contentment.

Of course, I know I won't feel content forever. I know that emotions are ridiculous, and this time next week I could be exactly where I was a few days ago, but for now God has given me incredible assurance that whatever happens, he's in it and I am going to be okay.

This process that I'm in the middle of right now can't be described as anything other than putting on the "new self" that is described in Colossians 3:10. I am "being renewed in knowledge after the image of [my] creator" and it's a fantastic feeling. God has been showing me a few more pieces recently of the puzzle that he is, and it's been so fantastic. And Paul told the Colossians a few verses later to "let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts." If that's not a description of contentment, I don't know what is.

I don't have my life any more figured out than I ever have. I'm still scared to death of what the future holds, but the peace of Christ is changing the way I think about all of my uncertainty. I can still be uncertain, and I can still be terrified, but in the midst of all that I can be content!

And to add to the awesomeness of what God is doing in my life, he is letting me know that I'm not alone. He is showing me that other people are scared to death, and they don't have any easier time trusting him than I do.

I feel like all of this has been incredibly vague and philosophical, which is totally not my style, but it's been good for me because I at least have a few of the million thoughts in my head more narrowed down and sorted out. And to risk overkill on the Relient K references:

"To be prosperous would not require much of me. Contentment is the one thing it entails. To be content with where I am and getting where I need to be, and moving past the past where I have failed. But I'm finally catching onto it. The past is just a conduit, and the light there at the end is where I'll be 'cause I'm on the up and up."

Under Construction

I am feeling much less empty than I was previously, and I have to say it is a fantastic feeling. Really, nothing has changed, but that's what is so awesome about the way God works in my life to reassure me that he's in control when I forget.

I feel like whatever hole I was becoming aware of is being filled, and it honestly makes me feel like I am being spackled. That's a really random simile, but it fits so well. I still don't understand completely what it was I was missing, but whatever it was something just as unidentifiable is fixing the hole.

Overall I'm just really happy to feel this emptiness being filled and really excited to know that God listens and he isn't just sitting around somewhere playing video games or something else random that keeps people from listening. It's comforting to know that my creator has an active role in my life and loves me so much he chooses to play his part.

My Transition into a Workaholic

My excessive free time is once again changing my life. For one thing, I've become super blogger (even though I still don't like the terms blog, blogging, blogger, or anything else remotely similar). That isn't disappointing to me because this blog is really more for me and my sanity than anything else, but I worry that I might be becoming too attached to the world inside my head. At the same time, I could just be in really good shape because I may have needed a chance to really figure out what I've been thinking and what's going on with me that I was unaware of. Either way, this blog has become a huge part of my nightly routine when before I didn't have near enough time to write so much.

What worries me more than the blogging is the amount of work I'm doing. Now that I don't have school, work doesn't seem so bad to me. It seems even less bad when I think that this time last summer I was working at Giovanni's and I didn't like my job. Not only was I not happy with what I was doing, but my schedule was a little ridiculous. I only worked at night, so my days were filled with nothing and then my free time never overlapped with anyone else's. Now I like my jobs (yes, both of them), but I feel like I'm working a lot. I worked five days with ResLife this week (I was hired to work four so one of those days was my choice to work), and then I worked at the mansion today. While I was at the mansion I took a shift from another girl who works there for tomorrow. The mansion is only open for three hours on Sundays, but that still means that my one day not working for the week is gone. The sad thing is, I don't really mind it.

I think part of this is the mindset that I don't have anything else to do. I feel like I might as well make money because otherwise I would spend all day in my apartment reading and sleeping. That wouldn't sound like a bad thing, except that is probably what I would also do all night.

I guess I'm not so much upset about the fact that I've been working a lot as I am perplexed by it; it's weird to not mind. I think this is just another one of those weird transition things where I'm adjusting to a new lifestyle and trying to figure out how to spend my time now that I am not doing it in the same way I was before. I'm sure it will all balance out soon and I will be working less and having fun more. Until then, I guess at least my paychecks will be awesome because I am putting in some serious hours.

Oh, and I was going to end on that last note, but I just realized I haven't told anyone the fantastic news that I got all A's this semester. It's not a huge deal, but I feel like the information should have been disclosed somewhere.

Me Falta Una Cosa, But What Is It?

This is a really (and I would like to emphasize the really) random post, but for some reason I feel like I need to blog. Let me say now that I don't really like the term "blog". I never really have, even though I've blogged with varying frequency for several years now. Now that that is out of the way I can get back to the purpose of this post--but wait! There was no purpose. I think I am just having trouble deciding what to do with my life (and this time I actually mean on a small scale rather than in the future). I already wrote about the ridiculous schedule I have where I get lots of free time with which I can find nothing to do.

I feel like I became incredibly dependent over the last year on Rebecca and Kristen. I don't feel like that is a bad thing, but I definitely took it for granted that whenever I wanted to do something at least one of them would be with me. It didn't matter how random our activities were (getting my nose pierced), or how lame and unoriginal (watching Rock of Love 2), but the point is we never did those things alone. Now, I am trying to cope without that convenience of our friendship. This is not to say that they are only my friends because it was convenient; I genuinely love them both and feel so blessed to have spent the majority of my first year of college in their presence. It was just so much easier to find something to do when there were constantly people to do something with. Even when we didn't really do anything, it was better than sitting around alone (which is what I feel like I'm doing a lot now).

So this brings me to the question Why do I feel like I always have to be doing something? The world cannot be so crazy that I constantly have to be occupied. But at the same time, if I feel so often like I am not doing anything, maybe I'm not contributing to the world in any way. I don't want to be someone who just goes to work and then comes home and has no interaction with the outside world.

When I see all this written out, it looks like a cry for friends. While that may be a piece of the thing, I am almost positive it is not the whole. My analysis (for what it's worth) is something more along these lines: I am the type of person who knows a lot of people, likes a lot of people, but only has a few really good friends. I thoroughly enjoy meeting new people and getting to know things about them so that I can run into them later and discuss those things. (I have an incredible memory for useless facts about people, and if you tell me something interesting about yourself, I might associate that thing with you forever.) Those relationships are phenomenal, but to satisfy my human need for deeper personal connections with people, I generally find about two people, sometimes three, and I latch on. These few people are the ones in whom I invest myself whole-heartedly. Those relationships have a high priority, and I really value those people. Overall, I think that is what I am missing. I still have those friends, but that longing for those relationships can't be satisfied when those friends aren't physically present. Here I need to stop and say that I have these friends from home and Belmont, and the fact that I am separated from them now in no way diminishes my commitment to those relationships. I am still incredibly close to those people, and I keep in touch; I didn't drop the old friends who fit this profile when I got new ones. The thing is, I need that friend or two here with me this summer, and I don't have that.

I am hoping I can say I don't have that yet.

My prayer is that God is going to put me in the path of one of those people. He has been in all of these relationships, and I know these people were hand selected and placed in my path for God's purposes. I've just been a little spoiled because it seems like I am not usually lacking in that department. I know that all of my relationships, both those less commited and deep ones that I love so much and my close ones, are part of God's plan in my life. For now I am just trusting that this is all part of the complex design and God isn't finished hand-picking my friends. He has some fantastic people I haven't had the privilege to meet yet, but when it's time they will show up.

This is one of those fantastic things that happen in life. I started out with no direction here, but I had a need to write. Now that I'm finished, I know what was bothering me. As Dave the guy who taught me freshman English first and best would say, I wrote my way out of it. I know I didn't just need to write because something was up; I needed to figure out what was up, and God, with his amazing Holy Spirit leading, knew writing would be useful. It never ceases to amaze me the things over which I have no control but a completely solid illusion that I am responsible for. In the end, it all comes down to the fact that I am dependent. I need a lot, and I have no idea sometimes until God steps in and shows me what I'm lacking and then fills the newly revealed hole with a little more of himself.

Adjusting

I feel like I don't know what to do with myself really now that I'm not in school. It's odd to be working an adult kind of job where I am off every night and living in an apartment where I have my own room and a place to cook. I am trying to adjust to the idea that all of my close friends I've made here in Nashville aren't here anymore, and there is no longer the constant presence of people. In some ways, that's awesome because I can find alone time when I want it, but at the same time, when everyone is here it's really easy for me to feel like I don't need to be doing anything. Now I don't have homework or any real committments, and I don't know what to do with myself.

This is really transitional, and I know I will figure it out eventually, but for now it feels really weird. My fear is that about the time I begin to adjust to this, school will start back and my world will be totally different. About the time I start to enjoy all the quiet I will be back in school and living in one room with another person, sharing a bathroom with her and two others, and overall feeling overwhelmed by people. I'm looking forward to that too, even though it doesn't sound like it. It's really just interesting to me the difference having everyone here makes. Life is completely different, but it's fun and I'm still having a blast.

Settling In

I am now officially checked out of my dorm and have everything moved into my apartment. I was trying to find a place to put all of my clothes today and was so sick of moving that I just quit putting them away. Now it's driving me crazy because there are boxes of clothes in my room, but I am done for today. Molly and I were so tired when we got to work this morning because we worked so hard moving yesterday. We basically moved everything and got it almost all put away in around seven hours, an amazing feat.

I have to say that I really like apartment life. It's so nice to be able to just hang out but not have to do it in the same room I sleep in. We haven't been grocery shopping yet, so we haven't been able to take advantage of the oven, but just knowing it's here is fantastic. I don't think I'm going to be able to handle moving into the dorm in the fall. I wish I could just think of it like I had gone home for the summer because I would have had most of the same luxuries, but it's definitely not the same thing. At home I'm in the middle of nowhere instead of the middle of Nashville and living at home is nothing like living alone. Even though my parents don't really restrict me when I'm home, it's so much different living at Belmont, especially now that I'm not taking classes and living in an apartment.

I'm excited about seeing my parents tomorrow. They are coming to take me out to dinner and buy me some groceries. I'm really glad that they work closer to me than we live and it's not out of the question for me to see them in the middle of the week. It's hard for me to get home because my work schedules keep me from having a significant block of time to spend there and make the gas worth it. As much as I like the freedom of being here alone, I also enjoy seeing my parents and getting to spend time with them. I'm also totally okay with the fact that they are going to buy me groceries. Some people would see that as dependence, which it is, but I'm okay with dependence. Until a few weeks ago, I thought I would be living with them this summer, in which case they would have been buying all of my groceries, so I don't have any problem at all admitting that I could use their help.

Overall things are much different than I ever expected or imagined, but I'm enjoying my current situation. I'm still looking forward to what's going to happen this summer, and I am planning to have a fantastic summer.

Moving On

The adult life gets more fun every day. Today after I got off work, I started to move everything from my dorm to the apartment I am staying in this summer. That was at 3:30, and it is now almost 2:00 AM. I got everything put away, but all of my clothes except what I am wearing tomorrow are still in Heron, and so is my refrigerator. What this experience has taught me is that moving is not fun and next time I should find a guy to help me move. I did it all by myself, but it sucked; Having someone to help would have been spectacular.

Now, however, I am for the most part moved in and beginning to get settled. Overall I have not enjoyed this experience, but I think I might look back on it at some future point in my life and think it wasn't so bad. I did learn that I can handle moving on my own, but I also learned that asking for help is a good idea.

The plus side to all of this is I now live in an apartment where my roommate and I have separate rooms, separate bathrooms, and a living room and kitchen. Maybe that this-isn't-so-bad moment is here already. I guess it will last right up until I downgrade when the fall semester starts back to one of the dorms...

One Down, Three to Go (At Least)

It feels like it's been forever since I've posted anything here, but I was a little stressed at the end of the semester. I'm so glad it's finally over!

I was just looking at my last posts and realized that a lot has happened since my last one. At the beginning of the year I was hoping to have a major, and the search was an unfruitful one, but I did finally declare. I was going to declare Spanish with an English lit minor, but when I started looking at the lit minor I realized I might as well double major because I was way ahead on an English degree and too far behind on Spanish to take much next year. So I am officially a Spanish/English double major. The problem with this is I don't have a clue what I want to do with those degrees, but I guess it's at least good to have a direction. I did learn this semester that I will definitely not be a political science major, or ever take another political science class for that matter. That just isn't my thing.

My major isn't the only big event in my life; I also got a job at Belmont for the summer with ResLife. I expected to go home after my first year of college and spend the summer working in Cookeville or Gainesboro, but this job came up and I'm staying in Nashville for the summer. It's still really crazy to me that I'm not going home, but I'm excited. I work at ResLife during the week and am staying at the mansion on the weekends. I am moving out of my dorm tomorrow into one of the apartments on campus, and I feel like a real adult. I have to feed myself and work a full time job, and it's all very surreal. With all of this comes the weirdness of being here when all of my friends went home. As of tomorrow I will have a roommate again, but it's still strange to be here without Kristen and Rebecca. Heather is here for the summer too, and we are planning to have a specified girls' night each week which will be fun, but so far I have spent a lot of time alone reading. I think things will eventually settle down and I will find people to hang out with, but for now I just feel a little lonely. This was such a huge change that I'm still trying to adjust.

It's amazing to me that I'm finished with my freshman year. It seems like yesterday I was convinced that working at Starbucks for the rest of my life would be better than staying in school (and I would still love to be a Starbucks employee instead of a student, but I don't see it in the picture--yet). I finished the year with good grades and learned that I can handle college, even though this time last year I was terrified that JCHS hadn't prepared me. I even survived year one in the honors program with plans to stick with it. In some ways I feel like I've grown a lot this year, but at the same time I feel like I'm the same old Kindall.

Overall I'm really happy with the way life is going now. Since I'm not in school things are so much simpler. I'm also thrilled about what God is doing in my life right now. My walk has been a little crazy lately, and I feel like God is settling me down and drawing me into him. He's letting me fall in love with him all over again and showing me some amazing things. I don't know where things are going to go, but I'm ready to just enjoy this relationship that is being renewed. I'm so amazed all the time with God's mercy and his willingness to pursue me all the time, even when I'm not doing such a good job of pursuing him.

Now that I've basically moved out of my house and I'm spending my summer here in Nashville I'm looking forward to the new adventure. I feel like this summer is going to be fantastic, and I am curious to see how I grow and what I become through it all.