Rochester, Just Do It!

For the second time in my life, I'm reading Jane Eyre. Because I've read it before, I know how it ends and I'm just retracing my steps to get to that inevitable conclusion. The problem is, knowing the ending makes me even more frustrated with the characters than I was the first time I read it. I know what Rochester is up to, and I just want to hit him. Stop beating around the bush! It was enough that he made Jane think he loved Blanche Ingram for so long simply because, as he puts it, "I wished to render you as madly in love with me as I was with you; and I knew jealousy would be the best ally I could call in for the furtherance of that end." What exactly makes him think this is a good idea?! Why can't he just tell her he loves her and let her return that love? Of course, his affection is not the only thing he is concealing from Jane, but he frustrates me to no end. If he would be less deceiving, the problems they encounter later wouldn't come. That would of course alter the story too much, but it would be much more comfortable to read.

I have Google Analytics on this blog so I can see how may people are visiting and how they're getting here. Apparently, three people have arrived here from search engines. That's not the funny part though. The excitement comes from the search terms they used because I feel like they embody all that is Kindall:

• impulsive decisions essay
• meaning of the movie mr. lonely
• retainer wearing

Any one of these will bring you to this very spot, and I have to say that makes me happy.

Positive Peer Pressure

I'm joining Heather Pierce on her non-money-spending adventure. She's trying to go as long as possible without spending money, and I'm going to see how long I can make it with her. This should be good for me, and it also makes me remember why I love the people I love. It's them, not the things we pay to do together.

Waiting

Tonight we find out if the city I love is going to love its people. I sat at a table for a little over 4 hours this afternoon encouraging people to vote and explaining what the election was for. I feel like I haven't contributed as much as I would have liked to getting the English Only amendment shut down, but I feel good to know that I helped at all. The polls close in 30 minutes, and hopefully tonight I'll know the outcome of the election before I go to bed. I'm still not a fan of politics, but it's comforting to know that I can recognize my passions and work against things I feel undermine my values. I know my relative apathy isn't an aversion to politics; rather, I am simply too non-confrontational to get overly involved and invested unless I really care.

I think this is a big deal, and now I've done what I can. Now it's out of my hands, and I'm simply waiting on results.

I am attempting to write what should be one of the easiest papers I've ever been assigned, but I'm finding it difficult. It's snowing outside, my coffee is wonderful, and there are people I'd rather be talking to right now. It will get done, but not at this exact moment.

The typical beginning-of-the-semester post had to come, but I'm still not sure how I feel about what is to come. What I do know is I feel like I'm in a good place. I don't have a clue why I feel that way, but I'm happy so I'm not questioning it. I miss Rebecca and Kristen. I miss the impulsive behavior and the melodramatic analysis of events. I even miss the pessimism. Belmont is something different without them, but I've been given a peace about the way things are. Plus, I know we're better friends than to let distance kill what we've got. While I haven't by any means found replacements (nor am I looking for any such thing), I've entered into new friendships I'm excited about and I've found new dimensions in other relationships. I think the semester looks promising for good times and good friends.

We'll see how the school thing goes, but for now I'm enjoying the happiness. Thank you, God, for an undeserved and overwhelming peace.

Financial Aid

My dad called me Tuesday to tell me he had seen Brett Michaels being interviewed on some morning show. He knows I watch Rock of Love, but it was still a little strange that he wanted to tell me about this interview because nothing Brett said was overly exciting. I was a little confused and thought maybe Dad just missed me and wanted to talk. After relaying the Brett Michaels info, he proceeded to tell me that there was also a story about a 24-year old grad student who is selling her virginity online to pay for school. He then said, "I'm not insinuating anything, but how many loans do you want to have?" Now in case you've forgotten, let me remind you that the person suggesting this is my father. I'm not sure if I should appreciate his concern about my financial future or be terrified that the man who raised me would suggest I stoop to prostitution to afford my education. Of course, Dad's suggestion is less disturbing than the fact that this girl and her plan are real. She is actually selling her virginity online, and she's likely going to be able to pay for school and have a hefty chunk of change left. As tempting as the money may be, I can't imagine how someone goes 24 years without having sex (if of course her virginity is intact as she claims) and then decides they will sleep with any stranger who will put them through school. It's mind-boggling, but I guess it's an unbeatable scholarship. What would Dave Ramsey do?

Beloved

Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
Give me your life
The lust and the lies
The past you're afraid I might see
You've been running away from me

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
My love it unites us
And it binds you to me
It's a mystery

Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
I'm the giver of life
I'll clothe you in white
My immaculate bride you will be
Oh come running home to me

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
My love it unites us
And it binds you to me

You've been a mistress, my wife
Chasing lovers it won't satisfy
Won't you let me make you my bride
You will drink of my lips
And you'll taste new life

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
My love it unites us
And it binds you to me
It's a mystery

-Tenth Avenue North

It Ends Tonight

Tonight is my last night at home, and as usual leaving is a bittersweet experience. I have found supreme enjoyment in sleeping a little later and avoiding stress for the last few weeks. I've also had some of my best friends within easy reach and quick access to family time. Of course, I've really missed some people from Belmont and the spontaneity that comes with living in the same building as or within a few minutes of many of my friends. I'm not begging for the homework or the 20 or so novels I'll be reading this semester, but being back in Nashville will have its perks.

The break has been good, and I feel refreshed. I won't go as far as saying I'm ready for the semester ahead, but I'm more open to it than I was a month ago.

For Once No News is Good News

Usually my lack of time to write means I've been living the high-stress life, but I'm delighted to say that has not been the case on this beautiful and most welcome break. I've been keeping busy, but I don't mind so much when that means reading, knitting, spending time with friends, and watching almost the entire (yes, all 5 hours) VH1 Top 100 Hard Rock Songs countdown with my mom followed by What Not to Wear, the TLC Miss America thingy, and Heavy: The Story of Metal. Mom and I had a metal marathon on VH1 last night filled with big hair, spandex, and trashy men. We followed that up with This is Spinal Tap tonight, and tomorrow she will be watching the premiere of Rock of Love Bus with me. I've also finally been able to watch football for the first time all season. Although it seems my entire break has been spent in front of the TV, I would like to say that most of this happened in a 7-hour span last night and I have been much more productive than it sounds. I've been able to run a little, although I've had to take it easy and then I got the cold to kill all colds and had to lay off. I'm almost over the cold now and may try to get in a run tomorrow. If I can keep the tendons in my foot happy, I'll be running the Tom King half-marathon in March, but I'm not calling that a definite for at least a couple of weeks. My dentist told me I have great teeth and I can cut my retainer-wearing time in half (and I know that's too much information, but it makes me happy)! I've also gotten to see a little more of the people I love, and that has been one of the highlights of my time off. There are some people in my life who it seems like I'll always be able to pick up where I left of with, and I'm so glad to know that. Seeing them, however, has got me really missing some Nashville people. I wish I could just quit school, work at Starbucks, and live in a community populated by people I select, but seeing as that will not be possible any time in the near future (or maybe ever, but I'm an optimist) I am content to split my time and my friends between schools and states and countries and therefore more fully enjoy every second I spend with them. To make a long story short on the break, it's been good.

God and I are in the middle of an interesting conversation and I'm curious to see where it's going. I'm questioning a lot and feeling some things out, and he's letting me exercise that freewill. It's been uncomfortable at points but also so comforting to know more about who God is and what it means in my life that he is real and personal. I'm hoping to have some updates on this in the future.

Breaks are awesome. Life is good.