Friday, May 16, 2008

Me Falta Una Cosa, But What Is It?

This is a really (and I would like to emphasize the really) random post, but for some reason I feel like I need to blog. Let me say now that I don't really like the term "blog". I never really have, even though I've blogged with varying frequency for several years now. Now that that is out of the way I can get back to the purpose of this post--but wait! There was no purpose. I think I am just having trouble deciding what to do with my life (and this time I actually mean on a small scale rather than in the future). I already wrote about the ridiculous schedule I have where I get lots of free time with which I can find nothing to do.

I feel like I became incredibly dependent over the last year on Rebecca and Kristen. I don't feel like that is a bad thing, but I definitely took it for granted that whenever I wanted to do something at least one of them would be with me. It didn't matter how random our activities were (getting my nose pierced), or how lame and unoriginal (watching Rock of Love 2), but the point is we never did those things alone. Now, I am trying to cope without that convenience of our friendship. This is not to say that they are only my friends because it was convenient; I genuinely love them both and feel so blessed to have spent the majority of my first year of college in their presence. It was just so much easier to find something to do when there were constantly people to do something with. Even when we didn't really do anything, it was better than sitting around alone (which is what I feel like I'm doing a lot now).

So this brings me to the question Why do I feel like I always have to be doing something? The world cannot be so crazy that I constantly have to be occupied. But at the same time, if I feel so often like I am not doing anything, maybe I'm not contributing to the world in any way. I don't want to be someone who just goes to work and then comes home and has no interaction with the outside world.

When I see all this written out, it looks like a cry for friends. While that may be a piece of the thing, I am almost positive it is not the whole. My analysis (for what it's worth) is something more along these lines: I am the type of person who knows a lot of people, likes a lot of people, but only has a few really good friends. I thoroughly enjoy meeting new people and getting to know things about them so that I can run into them later and discuss those things. (I have an incredible memory for useless facts about people, and if you tell me something interesting about yourself, I might associate that thing with you forever.) Those relationships are phenomenal, but to satisfy my human need for deeper personal connections with people, I generally find about two people, sometimes three, and I latch on. These few people are the ones in whom I invest myself whole-heartedly. Those relationships have a high priority, and I really value those people. Overall, I think that is what I am missing. I still have those friends, but that longing for those relationships can't be satisfied when those friends aren't physically present. Here I need to stop and say that I have these friends from home and Belmont, and the fact that I am separated from them now in no way diminishes my commitment to those relationships. I am still incredibly close to those people, and I keep in touch; I didn't drop the old friends who fit this profile when I got new ones. The thing is, I need that friend or two here with me this summer, and I don't have that.

I am hoping I can say I don't have that yet.

My prayer is that God is going to put me in the path of one of those people. He has been in all of these relationships, and I know these people were hand selected and placed in my path for God's purposes. I've just been a little spoiled because it seems like I am not usually lacking in that department. I know that all of my relationships, both those less commited and deep ones that I love so much and my close ones, are part of God's plan in my life. For now I am just trusting that this is all part of the complex design and God isn't finished hand-picking my friends. He has some fantastic people I haven't had the privilege to meet yet, but when it's time they will show up.

This is one of those fantastic things that happen in life. I started out with no direction here, but I had a need to write. Now that I'm finished, I know what was bothering me. As Dave the guy who taught me freshman English first and best would say, I wrote my way out of it. I know I didn't just need to write because something was up; I needed to figure out what was up, and God, with his amazing Holy Spirit leading, knew writing would be useful. It never ceases to amaze me the things over which I have no control but a completely solid illusion that I am responsible for. In the end, it all comes down to the fact that I am dependent. I need a lot, and I have no idea sometimes until God steps in and shows me what I'm lacking and then fills the newly revealed hole with a little more of himself.

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