Friday, May 23, 2008


1. any process of change
2. to pass from one state to another; to enter into some state or condition, by a change from another state, or by assuming or receiving new properties or qualities, additional matter, or a new character.

It's not like this is news to me, but I feel like my life is just one continual process of finding out that there are things wrong with me and trying to fix them. It's like every time God shows me one new thing and helps me out, we come right along to the next thing and start changing it.

Of course, all this change is a good thing. I am so thankful that God doesn't let me stay the same. For one thing, that would be incredibly boring. And on top of that, as much as I like the person I am, I fully understand that person has flaws (even though I will rarely admit that out loud to another person).

As all the posts I've left over the last week or so will attest, I have been undergoing a lot of change lately and doing a lot of soul searching. This has been incredible, and I'm really excited about everything I've been learning. However, it's been exhausting at times, and I'm nowhere near finished with all that God has to teach me. In particular I am learning that I have a tendency to try to force things I want to happen. God has shown me that I've been pushing for something that I'm not sure yet whether or not he wants for me. In my quest for this thing (and in other similar situations throughout my life) I like to think I'm trusting God to take care of things, but I just get impatient and worry so much about it that I lose all semblance of trust and become desperate. If I were really trusting, I would be waiting for God's next step instead of frantically trying to decide what I need to do.

Now that I've been shown this, I'm in a really odd spot. I have a decision to make because part of me still has trouble believing that I can just sit back and do the things I know I'm supposed to do while God works out the rest. Deep down I know that whatever it is God has planned is so much better than anything my imagination could ever conceive; I just haven't become completely convinced that there is anything better because I don't have the capacity to imagine the incredible magnificence of things yet to come. Because I am human I can't fathom how awesome God is. My concept of God is so constrained to the limits of my human mind that I think I know what the best is, but I have no idea!

So for now, I am attempting to wait for what's in store. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that what I want may or may not happen, but either way what is supposed to happen will. And it's really hard to think like this!

As far as the myriad of changes in my thinking and my relationship with God, they are wearing me out, but I know I am in the process of becoming.

"I am not who I want to be, but I am on the journey there, and thankfully I am not whom I used to be."
-Erwin McManus, Soul Cravings

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