I Think I'm Getting the Hang of It

So, I think I'm learning how to cope with this college thing. I still work a lot, but I'm learning to prioritize. I've developed an addiction to Madden, which Kristen and I went to Wal Mart to buy at ten o'clock Sunday night, and I've been trying to keep my work done so I can play. The thing that scares me is that I've got the basics, but there's more. This morning in Colloquium, Dr. Boan gave us the template for our plan of study, and I realized that I'm going to have to do quite a bit of stuff that is above and beyond the every day homework. I just have to keep telling myself that I'm not the first person who has ever been to college and that everything is going to be okay.

Speaking of a plan of study, I've been giving my major some more thought. I am realizing more and more every day that I love English. My problem with an English major all along has been that I don't really want to teach, but the more I think about it, the more I think how bad can teaching possibly be? I wouldn't make a ton of money, but that isn't what life's about, and the more I think about it, the more I think I would actually enjoy teaching. My other option would be writing, but I'm just not feeling writing. I'm going to keep thinking and especially praying about it, though, and I know the answer will come.

I also feel like I should mention here that I have a cold. I've been sick since I woke up Saturday morning, and I feel like it's never going to go away! My biggest fear is that I might have mono because every time I take a nap I know I could still sleep more. I don't think I'm as tired as I should be if I have mono, though, so for now I'm going to assume that this is a common cold. If I'm still sick and tired in a week, I will visit health services, but I'm thinking I should be over it by then.

So, I guess life is good. I'm starting to get really situated and be used to this life, and I'm still loving it. I'm excited to see if I end up becoming the best darn English teacher in the world or if I decide to do something completely different. Whatever happens, I'm looking forward to it!

Bad Habits and Impulsive Decisions

I mentioned in my last post that I was incredibly sleep deprived, and it's times like this when I know exactly why that happens to me but decide to do nothing about it. I have to write an essay for American Lit in the puritan style about John Smith and Mary Rowlandson. The smart thing to do in this situation would be to get a head start and not have to be freaking out about finishing it tomorrow, however, I am checking my facebook and posting this. Along with my Fourthmeal Taco Bell addiction, this is a terrible habit, but like most habits I have no desire to correct it, and I will be up incredibly late tonight even though I could actually go to bed now and still keep the essay for tomorrow. I don't know what appeals to me about being tired because I stayed up late doing nothing.

I think I should also document my trip to get a smoothie on Friday. Kristen and I went to Smoothie King and decided that we didn't want to go back to campus, so we walked around the mall. While mall-walking, I mentioned that I wanted to get my nose pierced but I had some questions about it, and I wanted to go sometime and talk to someone who pierces noses about it. She and I are just alike, so she said, "Why not go right now?" To make a long story short, within an hour I had my nose pierced and she's going to get hers done when we get out of class tomorrow. We have a very dangerous friendship because neither of us thinks clearly around the other. Oh well, I don't at all regret my piercing, so I guess it's okay, but in the future we should probably not go anywhere alone together (I realize that the phrase "alone together" doesn't really make sense).

Some people might see my current state as a downward spiral into a life of, I don't really know what word I'm looking for here, but some might see it as two steps in the wrong direction. I think I should make it clear though that I am not losing self control and doing stupid things just to do them. I am still thinking clearly, and everything is going to be okay!

Comfort, Tacos, and Sleep Deprivation

I feel like the story of my college life so far can be summed up in the title of this post. I can't easily forget that I am paying an insane amount of money to go to Belmont, and I have to wonder why. I know I could have gone to other schools for free, and it's not like a specific major brought me here because I don't even have one. I was personally really attached to Belmont from the beginning, but I can't justify the price without a plan except that I felt like this was where I was supposed to be. I prayed about it thinking that it might be my desire to come here instead of God's plan that was leading me in this direction, but I am confident that I am here for a reason. That being said, I have to say that I'm not really comfortable with that idea. I like to know what's going on and why things are happening. I want to know what I'm supposed to major in and what job I'm going to get and where I'm going to be in ten years and even farther along than that, but at this point I'm living day to day not knowing what's going on.

The really awesome thing about all of this is that God is showing Himself to me right now. He has made it very clear that this is a time for me to trust Him and the plan He has for my life. I can't say that I like it, but I know I'm looking for God in ways that I never would and relying on Him more than I would if I thought I had everything figured out. Through all of this, He keeps sending me small, and sometimes huge, messages saying, "I'm here, and you can trust me!" I'm excited about that, and I'm just praying that I would walk by faith and not by sight.

On a less deep note, I have developed a Taco Bell addiction. This is a strange dependence because the truth is, I never really liked Taco Bell that much, but since I got here I have taken the idea of Fourthmeal very seriously, and it worries me a little. Every night at about ten or eleven I start craving Taco Bell. I don't know what this means, but I do know that I have got to get to the Beaman and keep off the dreaded freshman fifteen (or forty in my case).

And the last piece of insight I have tonight is that I will never have a normal sleep pattern as long as I am in college. I stay up way too late every night, and then I get up way too early. I take naps whenever possible, and I am always tired, which is understandable when I describe my sleep habits. I am lucky to be in bed by one every night because all I do is homework, and occasionally I will get sidetracked which makes the homework go longer. I don't know if I will ever adjust to this schedule and have real free time again, but we'll see.

Overall, I'm adjusting I guess. I still have to say I love it here, and I love college in general. I would love it more if we could cut the school part out, but I guess it could be worse. Whenever I get close to a meltdown, I am reminded that everything is going to be okay; there are more important things in life than school, and thousands of people have survived college already, so it's not like I'm the first person. Everything is going to be alright!

A Purpose Perhaps?

I think I should preface this entire post by saying that I am so ADD that my mind changes constantly, so no matter what I say here, it will most likely change.

I think I've found a major that I would love! Since I'm in the honors program, I can customize my major and tweak it to make it exactly what I want it to be instead of a general degree in one specific area. Knowing this, I think that I would like to study religion and literature and see how they influence each other; I would also like to look into using literature to understand a culture or an event based on religious beliefs. I'm sure there are people who do something similar to this if not this exactly in their work, but I can already see at least one huge problem I might encounter.

I don't know what you might call this major, something like "religion in literature" maybe, but the name isn't important. What is important is that I have to be able to get a job after I spend this small fortune on an education, and I'm just not sure to what field this degree might apply.

I have started every other paragraph in this post with the word I, so why stop now? I do think that this degree could have a lot of application in the real world. For instance, we now know what the puritans were thinking and how they justified what they were doing here in America, even if it wasn't very nice (I'm obviously taking American Lit right now), but the same sort of thing is currently going on all over the world. The world is not anywhere near tolerance, so wouldn't it be nice to understand what's happening on a global scale as far as religious persecution and terrorism? There is great value in understanding why people feel justified to kill other people based on their religion.

Like I said earlier, (notice I was the second word of this one) there are people who already study these matters, I would just have a more specific degree. I don't know, however, how you come across one of these jobs.

Oh well, for now I will be keeping this plan in mind--it will most likely change--and just being content with waiting on God to let me know what I'm supposed to do. I know that there is some kind of plan for my life, and I'm learning that I won't get to know about said plan in my own time, but that's okay. I will just enjoy life, and see where it takes me! (I find this closing interesting because I could see where a person could pick it apart and try to understand how my faith influences my decisions and even predict how I would react in a situation...sounds familiar!)