Sunday, June 29, 2008

A Lot Can Happen In Three Hours

I went home yesterday afternoon so I could go to Alana's birthday party. I spent the night at my house and went to church with my family, and I was actually at my house and awake for a total of about three hours. Somehow in the course of those three hours though I was given a great deal to think about. One night in my house, and I'm overwhelmed with thoughts.

The biggest issue I'm dealing with is a comment my brother made about me this morning on the way to church. He said, "She really does think she graces us with her presence." I was really taken aback when I heard that because the way he said it and in context I could tell that it came from a conversation he had actually had with my mom recently. I was kind of hurt to hear that my family thinks of me that way. One of the big things about my relationship with my family is that I don't think they have ever seen quite the same personality that everyone else who knows me has seen. I don't know why it's that way, but for some reason I'm completely different around my family and I always have been. There's nothing I'm hiding, but I'm just not quite as uninhibited when I'm with them. That has confused me for years, and I'm still no closer to figuring out why they make me feel that way. Another problem is that I don't do a very good job expressing affection. It makes me feel a little like the freak of the family because I'm so awkward. It's another one of those things I don't understand, but I'm not at all touchy-feely and vocal expressions of affection from me don't sound sincere. If you don't know me you might think I don't love them. But I do love my family; I love them a lot. I don't think they always realize it though because like I said, I'm really awkward when it comes to showing affection.

To add to all of this, my awkwardness extends to my transition into living alone. I thought I was going to be home this summer, so when all of a sudden I wasn't I didn't really have a clue how all that was supposed to work. I knew I would move out someday, but that was in the future so I wasn't even thinking about how all of that would work. Now that I'm living alone, my parents and I are both working on a medium, and I think they feel like I just don't want to come home. The reason I don't come home that much is the fact that gas is stinking expensive and I'm trying to balance two lives. There is stuff I want to do here in Nashville, and because I work forty or more hours a week I tend to do a lot on the weekends. If I'm not working, I probably have another plan. I also feel bad if I go home and just hang out and eat Mom and Dad's food without contributing (even though I know that's ridiculous), so I try not to impose. My parents however, feel like I just don't want to be home so I don't come.

All of this really comes down to my parents misunderstanding my thoughts and intentions. Of course, the misunderstandings are pretty much all my fault, but I don't know why I have so many issues with outward displays of affection. I don't know where that awkwardness came from, but I'm very aware of it, and I'm not sure my parents fully understand that I just have some issue that has nothing to do with them. I always have to hope that they just know that I really do love them and I really do appreciate them, but it's apparent that they don't know that for sure.

While the fact that my parents don't realize I love them is currently weighing very heavily on my mind, it's not the only huge thing I'm dealing with since my trip home. Even though I keep up with the news, I somehow missed out on the fact that Peterbilt employees are locked out, and although I understand organized labor and the necessity of it, it's times when my dad is not working that I can't stand collective bargaining. The economy is already unstable enough that my dad not working is a really uncomfortable spot to be in. Of course we have to make some changes in the way we are spending, and I know we will be fine but it's definitely scary for Dad to be out of work. What really sucks is that in the past he has always been able to lay brick with Jeff when he wasn't at Peterbilt, but now Jeff doesn't have enough work to need him. It's even scarier when I think about the loans I'm taking out for my next year of school that are going to be so huge. I really don't want to think about it all, but it's most definitely plaguing my thoughts.

There was more I was planning to write about, but this is absolutely exhausting and depressing to think about so I think I'm going to stop for now. I know it's going to be okay, but I just don't want to dwell on any of this too much.

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