Thursday, June 5, 2008

A Fine Line

I am learning that it is incredibly difficult to remain somewhere in-between my lonely contentment and healthy social life. Today was the first time in a few days that I haven't had plans, and I felt like I had already forgotten how to function when I don't have an activity.

One of the many things I'm learning is that I am so ADD that I have to have a minimum of two things to focus on, or there is no hope of focusing. The only way I am going to be able to direct my attention is if I am forced to consciously work on two things at once and divide my energy between them. That might not have made any sense, but that's what it feels like. When I don't have any set kind of plan, I have trouble because I try to read or something and I get so distracted by everything around me that I want to quit. The really bad part of all of this is that when I get frustrated with being unable to focus, I go to this place in my mind where I kind of give up. I have started watching more TV, and that really bothers me. At the beginning of the summer when I was being brought to that place where I was okay with being alone, I didn't really watch TV. It's so mindless, and it seemed like the stuff I filled my time with, although not necessarily productive or spectacular, at least required me to use my brain.

I have got to re-learn the art of sitting still. Somehow I've forgotten how to just be because all I can think about is doing. There is a balance somewhere that will allow me to have my days that are packed with people and activities while still enjoying the days that consist mostly of Kindall time. I just haven't quite found that balance yet.

I also feel like I've lost ambition, or something that might not be ambition, but some other something I can't quite put my finger on. That feeling is kind of random, and it may just be an in the moment kind of thing, but it seems like I care less about something, even if I can't quite pinpoint what that something is. My biggest fear is that I'm already becoming burned out on the life I'm living this summer. I don't really think that's what is happening--I really think I'm just in a weird mood because that's how I get sometimes. I only worry about burn out because part of me isn't quite satisfied with the fact that my life is so normal right now. My schedule is the same from day to day, and I don't know if I've ever actually felt that before, at least not in the last few years.

I really just don't want to become complacent. I love living life, and I don't want to turn off my brain and miss out on things I enjoy and people I love because I find focus hard to come by. I want things to keep changing and I want to keep taking every one of these crazy steps in my life. Especially since lately it's been fascinating to watch the new people coming into my life and the new situations I've been put in. It's been exciting, and I don't want that to go away because I'm sitting in the apartment watching TV.

Overall, I think I'm just in another weird mood. I feel like anyone who doesn't know me very well and reads this thing might think I'm absolutely ridiculous because it seems like all I do is whine. I would like to say to anyone who does come across this and has limited knowledge of my personality that I am only this much of a drama queen here. This just happens to be the place where I let the drama queen go, so it's a little more of an emotional rollercoaster than my actual life.

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