Wednesday, August 13, 2008

It Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Lady Sings, and She's Backstage--for Now

For some reason it's felt like my loan issues were over, but tonight my thoughts have been turned to the fact that they aren't. What's weird is that I've got a peace about everything, even though I don't have a clue which way things will go.

When the day to pay the bill came my loan had been pre-approved, but that was it. I talked to student financial services and was told that as long as everything was squared away by the end of the month I'd be fine. Now we're half way there and less than two weeks away from class, and things still aren't settled. But I'm okay with that. I am making plans right now under the assumption that I will be at Belmont for the fall semester, but at the same time I'm keeping my mind open to the possibility that I will be working at Starbucks and living somewhere else.

I've prayed a lot about this, and as usual God is assuring me in a lot of ways that everything is going to work out, but he always neglects to give me any more of the plan. I understand that's just the way he operates--telling me the end but never the means--but it's thrilling and terrifying living that way. I go from one second being ecstatic because I'm excited about this and the next frightened because I don't have a clue. It's such a quick change from one moment to the next that I am essentially just feeling both things at the same moment, and I feel it all the time. But through it all, I know it's going to be okay.

Whether I get to take classes in the fall or not, the plan has a lot of holes in it. There's so much uncertainty that I have stopped thinking about the near future in anything other than hypothetical terms. I'm along for the ride though, and I'm going to enjoy the trip. Life is good no matter what happens. And I might have to deal with other people in my life not understanding how I can be so calm if things don't go the way we always assumed they would, but I'm ready for that. I know with absolute certainty that my God hasn't forgotten about me. He's still actively involved in my life, and he's got the plan.

For now I'm just waiting. I've got about two weeks before the day when they tell me whether I can stay or not, and until then I'm going to go about my business. When the time comes I'll know what I'm supposed to do. That scares me, but I'll get over it. I'm just going to live and not worry about tomorrow because it will worry about itself.

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