I feel like the story of my college life so far can be summed up in the title of this post. I can't easily forget that I am paying an insane amount of money to go to Belmont, and I have to wonder why. I know I could have gone to other schools for free, and it's not like a specific major brought me here because I don't even have one. I was personally really attached to Belmont from the beginning, but I can't justify the price without a plan except that I felt like this was where I was supposed to be. I prayed about it thinking that it might be my desire to come here instead of God's plan that was leading me in this direction, but I am confident that I am here for a reason. That being said, I have to say that I'm not really comfortable with that idea. I like to know what's going on and why things are happening. I want to know what I'm supposed to major in and what job I'm going to get and where I'm going to be in ten years and even farther along than that, but at this point I'm living day to day not knowing what's going on.
The really awesome thing about all of this is that God is showing Himself to me right now. He has made it very clear that this is a time for me to trust Him and the plan He has for my life. I can't say that I like it, but I know I'm looking for God in ways that I never would and relying on Him more than I would if I thought I had everything figured out. Through all of this, He keeps sending me small, and sometimes huge, messages saying, "I'm here, and you can trust me!" I'm excited about that, and I'm just praying that I would walk by faith and not by sight.
On a less deep note, I have developed a Taco Bell addiction. This is a strange dependence because the truth is, I never really liked Taco Bell that much, but since I got here I have taken the idea of Fourthmeal very seriously, and it worries me a little. Every night at about ten or eleven I start craving Taco Bell. I don't know what this means, but I do know that I have got to get to the Beaman and keep off the dreaded freshman fifteen (or forty in my case).
And the last piece of insight I have tonight is that I will never have a normal sleep pattern as long as I am in college. I stay up way too late every night, and then I get up way too early. I take naps whenever possible, and I am always tired, which is understandable when I describe my sleep habits. I am lucky to be in bed by one every night because all I do is homework, and occasionally I will get sidetracked which makes the homework go longer. I don't know if I will ever adjust to this schedule and have real free time again, but we'll see.
Overall, I'm adjusting I guess. I still have to say I love it here, and I love college in general. I would love it more if we could cut the school part out, but I guess it could be worse. Whenever I get close to a meltdown, I am reminded that everything is going to be okay; there are more important things in life than school, and thousands of people have survived college already, so it's not like I'm the first person. Everything is going to be alright!